The test results are in!

Yes, antichristian readers, the toxicology tests are in on the Benoit: Killing for Jesus scandal! The results? Ol' Nancy was on painkillers and Xanax, the brat was doped up with Xanax before he was strangled, and what did the "Rabid Wolverine" have in his system? Painkillers, Xanax, *and* an assload of testosterone! (His personal doctor states that Chris had a little bit of a problem with his balls....a "testicular insufficiency", meaning that he couldn't manufacture his macho man-grappler juice due to his lifelong abuse of steroids, and therefore needed a bit of replacement so he could spurt his grappleseed all over cumslut Nancy's tits!) However, the medical examiner stated that he doesn't believe that the combination of these drugs would have caused Benoit to go apeshit and off his whole family. Therefore, we here at jesus-sucks-dick.com are going to stand by our original assertion: Benoit killed for Christ! Jesus demanded a sacrifice for pumping Benoit full of cock for all these years, and it was time to pay the piper!

But it gets better.....so much better.

There were track marks on the brat's arms, but that's not abnormal for the son of a man grappler. What's *really* fantastic is that Nancy's rotting corpse showed a blood alcohol level of 0.184......which would have made her legally intoxicated. The medical examiner speculates that the fact that she was so far decomposed could have altered this number.....but we doubt it.

Isn't this always the case?

I mean, goddamn. How many times does a man have to listen to some drunken cunt spew out slurred obscenities before he chokes the bitch to death? How Benoit put up with that twat until Jesus told him to kill her is beyond me. He deserves a medal. And, frankly, the child was defective....even Jesus didn't want him left alive so he could sell the little shit into an altar boy concubine and jerk off to a legion of pedophile priests fucking his asshole until it bled! Fragile X disease must lead to bad ass sex. It's a shame that Chris drugged the little fucker first, though. What kind of satisfaction can you get out of suffocating your own son with a sleeper hold if you don't have to beat him a bit first to stop his struggling?

Shame on you, Chris Benoit. You could have done so much better. We're disappointed in you. Here are a few tips for any other steroid junkie cocksucker who wants to kill for Christ:

1. Gore. The news loves a good dismemberment. Think of the headlines if you hack your wife and son up with a machete! For an added bonus, nail their various and sundry parts to the wall in festive Christmas designs. Jesus loves that sort of shit.

2. Body Count. 2 people just isn't enough. The bibles were a nice touch, but consider killing everyone inside the Lakewood megachurch in Houston, TX. They have a Sunday attendance of over 30,000. Think of all the damage you could do with some well-placed C4! Like I said in the last piece, if you're going to kill for Jesus, KILL FOR JESUS.

3. Go out in style. Don't just hang yourself from some exercise equipment! Man, what a pussy. He should have left his house and gone on a massive shooting rampage that would only have ended with a police sniper putting a bullet into his brain....live on prime-time television! THAT'S entertainment! And you were here to entertain, weren't you Chris? Give the motherfucking people what they want!

I think we're done with this story. As always, I'm shardborn for www.jesus-sucks-dick.com, your antichristian news leader.