United States economy in the shitter, Jesus to blame

In part one of a multi-part news segment, shardborn examines the last eight years of American politics and their effects on the current economical crisis.

It's a well known fact, dear readers, that the US economy is quickly imploding. The question on every American's mind is: WHO IS TO BLAME? Who can we turn our great and mighty American wrath upon? The government? Wall Street? Terrorist ragheads?

No.

The answer is simple, and neither John McCain or Barack Obama is willing to admit the truth.

Jesus did this. Allow me to explain.

On a bright summer morning in 2000, Jesus Christ awoke, pulled the ever-present cock from his mouth, and wondered why the United States had been going down the wrong path. Sure, the current president Bill Clinton liked having his penis sucked, a requirement for all US presidents, but he liked *women*. Abominable. Disgusting. Filth. It was time to take a direct hand in American politics. He needed a man of faith. A man of principle. A man who liked being rammed from behind by a pulsating penis covered in broken glass. A man who liked his cock in the mouth of the LORD.

He found that man.

George W. Bush was born the son of a Kansas City, MO meth addict and a disease-ridden Nigerian prostitute. Like all Nigerians, Georgie was raised a Catholic, and enjoyed the constant anal and oral attention of every priest, cardinal, and 419 scammer in Nigeria. He seemed to be on the fast track to building a 419 empire of his own...

But Jesus stepped in. A man that loved the LORD and the COCK was destined for greatness. This man would lead the United States into homosexual power. This man would appear live on national television and spray his load directly into Jesus' rotting throat. This man would smite the heathens with the power of the LORD.

After a thorough bleaching and a fake back story placing him as the son of a former President, George Walker Bush was ready.

He was ready for the maggot-ridden semen of the LORD.

In the next segment, shardborn chronicles the rise of George W. Bush and Jesus. Stay tuned to www.jesus-sucks-dick.com, your antichristian news leader.