Jesus: Now with the Kung-Fu Grip......ON THE COCK!

Oh yeah, faithful readers! Wal-Mart is now going to be carrying talking biblical action figures! I don't know why someone didn't think of this sooner. Series 1 looks pretty boring, but I hear that series 2 is going to totally take faith-based toys...TO A NEW LEVEL! For example:

Series 2 features the whole crucifixion playset! Imagine little Billy's eyes lighting up when he takes *that* out of the box! It comes with a real kid-sized wooden cross! What joy he'll have on christmas morning when he gets to nail his sister.......then crucify her afterwards! Can't you just feel the love?

In addition, series 2 will feature another 12" Jesus, but instead of scripture he'll quote snippets from www.godhatesfags.com whenever you pull on his cock! And you'd better watch out, kids....if you yank on his rotting penis too much, you'll have quite a mess on your hands! The 12" series 2 Jesus cums LIVE maggots! Oh, what fun you'll have waking up Father Dave after a night of "hide the rosary" with a face full of wriggling holy semen!

But the joy doesn't end there. What child wouldn't want to play with the Tales of Lot boxset? It comes with Lot, his 2 daughters, a whole mess of liquor, some angels, and a town full of people! Recreate the classic story or just stage a massive orgy! Each anatomically correct figure is ready to show you the mysteries of the bible in 3D! Lot *really* loved his daughters, and they *really* loved him! Parents, what better way to show your children that having sex with daddy is a good thing than with incestuous characters RIGHT OUT OF THE BIBLE?

We applaud you, Wal-Mart. This is exactly what the youth of America needs to get them back on track. Children must be shown wholesome CHRISTIAN moral values, or this country will continue along its godless, communist path straight to Hell.

Does anyone even fucking READ the bible?

As always, I'm shardborn for www.jesus-sucks-dick.com, your antichristian news leader.